A Heart To Call Home
by Dean's Little Secret
Summary: It's awfully cold in Asgard tonight. The streets are blanketed in snow from this morning downfall; the wind is bitterly cold against Loki's face as its blows in threw Thor's rolled down window. Arcade Fire plays softly on the radio; Thor drummed his fingers against the steering wheeling whiling humming along.


**A _Heart_ to Call Home**

It's fucking cold in Asgard tonight. The streets are blanketed in snow from this morning downfall; the wind is bitterly cold against Loki's face as its blows in threw Thor's rolled down window. Arcade Fire plays softly on the radio; Thor drummed his fingers against the steering wheeling whiling humming along. Loki let Thor talk him into going out to look at Christmas lights, it's such a childish thing to do, but Thor adores Christmas and snow covered streets aren't going to stop him from seeing the houses upon houses adorned with lights. Asgard is the kind of town that goes all out at every holiday, Christmas in Asgard is like stepping into a winter wonderland.

Years ago, Loki and Thor would sit in the backseat of their parent's car and stare in awe at all those pretty lights. Jumping excitedly in their seats as they're mother told them stories of Santa and his reindeer. That was a long time ago. Loki doesn't even bother looking at the lights as Thor slows down, beaming just like he did when he was ten. Thor never lost his excitement, his youth, like Loki did. Sometimes Loki envied Thor, for being able to just enjoy things the way he did when he was a child. Too much had happened between then and now for Loki to look at the world in such a way. Still, he quietly enjoyed Thor's company, the comfortable silence between them always felt like a safety blanket.

"_This is Darcy Lewis and you're listening to triple J on this very fine, very chilly Christmas eve, eve."_ Thor nudged the radio up; Darcy's voice filled the space between them. Loki couldn't help but smile at the sound of her. _"You just heard After Life by Arcade Fire and before that it was Lana Del Rey with Video Games. I hope you're someplace warm and safe tonight folks, cause you'll be freezing your asses off if you go outside. So unless there is a zombie apocalypse, stay indoors and listen to me ramble on about the Christmas cheer and play your favourite tunes."_

"See, Darcy has the right idea" Loki said, reaching for his coffee, hoping it will chase away the chill. Since Thor isn't willing to close the God damn window.

"We're in a car, it's plenty warm." Thor bumps up the heating anyway, it doesn't help much.

"I don't see why you still get so excited about looking at Christmas lights," Loki adjusted himself, pulling his knees up to his chest in an attempt to keep warm, "they're the same as last years."

"Its tradition" Thor replied promptly.

Loki rolled his eyes. Thor liked tradition, he liked stability, he liked going to the same job day after day, he liked going to the same pub, the same gym, hanging out with the same people. Loki hated all of that; he never stayed in one place for too long. He'd been to a dozen different places over the years, never staying long enough to get bored. He hardly ever came home, it was only Thor and his mother's pleading that brought him back this Christmas. Truthfully, home was the last place he wanted to be, home was just never the same after he learnt that he was adopted. He felt like a stranger, he just didn't belong here; he'd never really fitted in anywhere.

So he left and went in search of a new home.

He never found one though.

"Maybe if you ate more you'd actually stay warm" Thor said out of nowhere.

"I eat" Loki insisted, with a scowl "I just can't eat two hamburgers and a large fries all at once. You and the Warriors Three eat like it's going out of fashion."

"We enjoy our food."

"Well good for you." Loki turned towards the window; outside was a large brick home adorned with a parade of colourful Christmas lights. This was one of the reasons Loki hated coming home. Everyone would start on him about how pale or thin he had become, or how tired and weighed down he looked. He often brushed it off with a snide remark or ignored it completely, unless it was his mother who asked, then he'd reassure her that was fine, he'd just had a long trip home. Even if that was all a lie. It's not that he didn't take care of himself, because he did, he just burnt calories quickly and he always felt weighed down by the world, more so then ever after this year.

Early in the year, Loki finally went looking for his real family. A journey that took him all the way to England, he had been there before, he never liked to visit the same place twice, (but England was such a beautiful country that he didn't mind seeing it again) though his journey to find his real family, his real home, had been a terrible mistake. What he learnt… well he really doesn't want to think about it right now. Right now he wants to focus on the cold, on the coffee clasped between his hands and his brother sitting beside him. He won't ever say it out loud, but he's glad to be home for Christmas.

"_Alright guys, it's getting late, so go and arm yourself with some caffeine, cause I have some great music coming up for you soon. Right now, it's Macklemore, with Thrift shop."_

The familiar beat started up, Loki scrunched his nose in distaste, reaching to turn it down, only to be beaten by Thor, who was turning it up. Loki rolled his eyes heavily.

"I'm gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket" Thor sung along, Loki ground his teeth. "I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a come-up. This is fucking awesome. Nah, walk up to the club like, "What up? I got a big-"

Patience worn thin, Loki turned the radio down, ignoring Thor's glare. "That song is repulsive."

"It's catchy" Thor insisted. "You take the fun out of everything, brother."

"Not your brother." He snapped.

"Not this again, Loki."

He didn't say anything further; instead he pretended to be invested in the snow covered land outside his window. Houses had faded away to open fields, he hadn't even noticed they'd left Asgard. Everything was white and more snow was predicted to fall before Christmas. It was freezing, his coffee long gone and the travel mug had finally grown cold. He asked Thor to roll the window up one last time and he finally complied, shutting out the icy breeze immediately.

"_Such a great song that one_" Darcy said breathlessly.

Memories of the nights he'd joined Darcy in the Triple J studio filled Loki's mind. He found salvation in that dark, messy studio. Darcy was the only true friend he had. She was never bothered by his dark moods and unlike most people he enjoyed her humour, she was different, she encouraged his mischievous nature instead of frowning upon it. Maybe in another life they could have been more than friends, they were already so close, she knew secrets that Thor would never know, but Loki's heart would forever belong to another.

"_Ok, so this one is for a great friend of mine, hunny, you know who you are."_

_I was drunk again, causing accidents.  
Oh, you're not a friend,  
You're nothing.  
I think I should be a little more confident.  
In myself,  
In my skin._

_Take me, take me, home.  
Take me, take me, home._

Loki retrieved his mobile from his pocket, firing off a text. 'You witch.' It buzzed back a moment later, Thor was watching his younger brother out of the corner of his eye with curiosity. 'Home is where the heart is.' She replied.

Darcy had often travelled with Loki, or as she liked to call it 'gone on grand adventures' and truth be told, they were adventures. Wherever they went together they had caused mischief and mayhem, their sharp tongues getting them into endless trouble. They told lies and fabricated elaborate stories simply because they could, they did what they wanted and it got them into some pretty scary situations at times. There had been fights, wounds, jail trips and stays in hospital, but they always kept going back for more.

They were both looking for something in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people.

His phone beeped again. 'Come over and watch The Mortal Instruments tomorrow? X'

'Play pumped up kicks next and you have yourself a deal' Loki replied.

'Deal xo.'

"Who are you texting" Thor asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

Only now did Loki realize they had stopped, parked before the frozen lake. This place held so many fond memories. They all seemed to rush at him like a wall of ice, escaping the dark corners of his mind, where they had been hidden away long ago. Fighting back the emotions building in his chest, pushing away the echoes of his past, he focused on his breathing; lest he show vulnerability in front of Thor. Emerald eyes survey the landscape around him, the lake is a beautiful sight, even with the memories pounding at the door.

It's bathed in the moons silver glow, the lights of Mr and Mrs Gilbert's cottage shine through the trees, like a beacon of hope for a lost traveler. A few snowman, dressed in scarfs and hats standout in the night, Mr and Mrs Gilbert's grandkids must have been for a visit, their tracks are just visible in the snow. The light from the cottage goes out; Thor and Loki are left in near darkness. The only source of light is the moons pale glow. Clouds are drifting in, bring with them more snow and bitter cold.

"It was just Darcy" Loki finally answered, unbuckling his seatbelt and stretching out his legs.

_All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run, outrun my gun.  
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run faster than my bullet._

"Did you request this?" The radio is turned up, chasing away the silence with drums, guitars and lyrics of a son gone mad.

"Yes" Loki answered with a small grin.

"Wasn't this your ring tone for father?" his brother inquired, keep those deep blue eyes locked on his face, daring him to lie.

"I never knew you knew that" he said stiffly, casting his eyes away to hide the shame. It wasn't shame for using the ring tone, it was shame that Thor had known he'd used it. Even though his brother knew very well of his distaste for his father, he'd rather not have him know about the childish ringtone. "He doesn't call me these days, so I no longer use it."

His brother doesn't say anything, though Loki can see him fighting back words. There are so many words left unsaid between them, so many secrets kept in the dark. It's just the way it was though and strangely it kind of worked. Loki was sure one day it would blow up in their faces and all the words and secrets would pour out into the open. Today would not be that day. They'll go about this the way they do every other time. Thor will kiss Loki, it will be light, like a whisper, he always seemed so afraid of his brothers reaction yet he never denied him.

Then Thor will kiss him again, only now it will be desperate, one big strong hand will tangle in his hair, the other will rest over his heart, like he checking to see if he still has one. Everything will be fast and fiery; they'll bit, claw, nip and bruise each other, nothing more than wild animals in need of sweet release. After they will lay in silence, sweaty, bloody and panting for air, there will be no words. They succumb to sleep and in the morning they'll go again, in the morning they'll make love like they have all the time in the world.

They've moved to the back of Thor's Toyota, he'd taken out the seats and decked the place with throws and pillows; they hadn't been able to fit in the backseat of a car since Loki was sixteen. Everything is happening the way it always does; heated kisses, teeth teasing and biting at soft flesh, strong fingers leaving bruises in their wake, nails drawing blood. Maybe Loki does like tradition after all, there is always something comforting about this ritual, it, for the moment, makes him feel like he has a home.

'_Well I am out of here guys, I will be back tomorrow night and I hope you guys have a great one. I'll leave you with my new fav tune, Miss Jackson by Panic! At the disco. Sweet dreams Asgard.'_

"Are you in love with Darcy?" his idiot of a brother blurted out.

"What?" Loki pushed his brother away, moving to sit up. "Why are you asking me that? We don't do _this_ Thor!"

"I can't keep doing it like this, Loki" he confessed. "You disappear for months on end, with Darcy at times, so I start wondering does she mean something more to you, I wonder what I mean to you?" Thor's jaw flexes in anger but his voice stays steady. This isn't how their time is supposed to be spent. "Why must you keep me in the dark, Loki?"

Loki scowled at his brother, his tone bitter when he says. "You're better off there." He goes to grab his jacket but Thor beats him, grasping his hands between is very, very warm ones, they shake slightly. Loki swallows down a trickle of emotion.

"No, brother, I am not" Thor said firmly, squeezing pale hands to emphasise his words. "This is not healthy for you or me. You just can't keep doing this to us. We've let you get away with it for the last couple of years, we let you have your space, but your childish ways have gone on long enough. It's time to come home, brother."

"This isn't my home" he retorted.

"Then where is your home? Rome? England, New York?" Thor doesn't yell, he speaks calmly, it unnerves Loki. "You always say this isn't your home, yet you always come back."

Loki is bristling with rage; its fire in his veins, burning alongside his sudden hatred of his brother for spoiling this moment, the only moment where Loki found peace. He wants to leave, to get on the next plane and never come back. He can't run though, they are miles away from Asgard, outside more snow is falling and Loki would never make it to town. He can't help but tremble with rage, all the words he wants to speak are threatening to come crashing out. Secrets teetering dangerously close to the light.

He wants to tell Thor his secrets, say all those words left unsaid, he has always wanted that. To speak freely without fear of judgment or being misunderstood, Darcy is the only person he never fears to confine in. It's here, surrendered by a winter wonderland, held by his brother's gaze and encircled by warmth that courage finally shows. It's the love, the desperate need to understand him, shinning in his brothers eyes that finally free the words from his throat.

He speaks of everything. Of how he has never truly felt like he belonged here, even before he learnt of his true parentage. He confessed that Darcy is just a friend, his best friend, but Thor is the one he loves, will only ever be the one he loves. He tells Thor how he found his birth parents, in a sleepy town in England; his mother had died years ago in a car accident and his father didn't want to know him. They never wanted him in the first place. He speaks until his throat is raw, tears held back for too long finally fall, Thor holds him close and promises him that this place, this small insignificant town, is his home. For the first time in what feels like years, they make love. No scratching or biting or bruising, just tender kisses and gentle touches. Thor holds Loki in his warm embrace afterwards, his head pillowed on his chest, listening to his brother's heart return to a steady rhythm.

In the darkness, surrounded by a winter wonderland and encircled in his brother's warmth, Loki finally realises something, something he'd failed to notice all these years.

He has a _heart _to call home.


End file.
